LatinosUSA

I recently read an article in The Economist that discusses, among other things, how men suffer serious psychological distress when their wives earn more than they do or become the primary breadwinner in the household. The article specifically states:

“Men whose wives and partners are the primary earners are roughly one and a half times as likely to report ‘serious psychological distress,’ even after controlling for age, education, and household income. Among husbands whose wives earn at least 70% of household income, the risk is around two and a half times as high.”

Why is that? Social and cultural pressure is one reason. We can see this in a Pew Research Center poll from 2017, which found:

“In about a third of married or cohabiting couples in the United States, women bring in half or more of the earnings, a significant increase from the past. But in most couples, men contribute more of the income, and this aligns with the fact that Americans place a higher value on a man’s role as financial provider. Roughly seven-in-ten adults (71%) say it is very important for a man to be able to support a family financially to be a good husband or partner. By comparison, 32% say it’s very important for a woman to do the same to be a good wife or partner…”¹

Men have been conditioned for centuries to believe that their value as a person is based primarily on how they lead their family, how much money they earn, and their role as the primary provider in society. The problem with that mindset is that women have been undervalued for a very long time, even though they contribute equally—not only within the family but also to society as a whole.

When men base their entire identity on being the primary provider, they are bound to run into trouble because being a man is about much more than providing financially. Men need to understand that women are partners, and together they can accomplish far more than either could alone.

Unfortunately, there is a segment of society that rejects this idea. Some men are rallying together and forming groups that promote harmful ideas, creating even more division and making life more difficult for men themselves. You have probably heard of the Manosphere, a network of websites, blogs, and podcasts that often promote extreme views of masculinity, misogyny, and opposition to feminism.² Or perhaps you’ve heard of Men Going Their Own Way (MGTOW), an anti-feminist, predominantly online movement that advocates male separatism from what its members view as a gynocentric³ society that has been corrupted by feminism.⁴ This community encourages men to avoid marriage and committed romantic relationships with women.

Can you believe that?

We men can be our own worst enemies because we sometimes focus on the wrong things. Instead of creating more division, men should be working to build a better society by becoming better partners to women. It is not us against them. We are one, and we need to start acting like it.

Have you ever heard about a man who divorces his wife after 20 or 30 years of marriage, leaving her to figure out how to rebuild her life on her own? All because he entered a midlife crisis and decided to pursue younger women. Devastating, right? You have probably heard hundreds of stories like that, especially when the wife is still raising children.

People hear these stories and simply say, “Well, it is what it is.” But what often goes unnoticed are the commitments made at the beginning of those relationships. For example, a husband tells his wife to stay home, take care of the household and children, and not worry because he will provide for the family. The wife trusts that promise and begins that journey. She doesn’t go to college or enter the workforce because she dedicates 100% of her energy to the home while her husband works day after day to bring home the bacon, as the saying goes.

Then, 20 or 30 years later, the husband decides, “You know what? I think I’m going to change our agreement because I deserve to have a different life. I’m going to divorce you because I found a younger woman who ‘understands’ me. Good luck.”

He walks away, leaving his wife wondering, “What am I supposed to do now?” She trusted him, so she never earned a degree or built a career. Now she is in her mid-40s or mid-50s and realizes she has to start life from scratch.

This situation becomes even more difficult if the husband dies without proper financial planning. Suddenly, the wife is left to manage the family’s financial obligations while also caring for her children and rebuilding her life. 

It is no wonder that women are pursuing higher education and better careers at unprecedented rates. Frankly, many women feel they cannot fully rely on a man’s promises alone. They never know when they might find themselves abandoned and suddenly responsible for supporting their families.

It happened to my mother, and I personally know too many women who have gone through the same situation.

So, what is the solution?

It’s actually quite simple. Men need to understand that women are a tremendous force multiplier. Families and society become stronger when husbands and wives work together with unity of purpose.

Instead of feeling psychological distress because his wife earns $70,000 a year while he earns $30,000, perhaps a husband should think, “Our household earns $100,000, and we’re doing well.” Maybe he should also take on more household responsibilities to give his wife an opportunity to rest because, as The Economist article notes:

“Breadwinning wives tend to report lower satisfaction with their relationships. Part of the explanation may be that high-earning wives are often responsible for much of the work at home too.”

There is a saying that men are the stronger of the two. Perhaps men should internalize that and start contributing more at home. Many women are capable of working a full day outside the home and then coming home to care for their families, which is incredibly demanding. So why are some men unwilling—or unable—to do the same?

Husbands, stop listening to the nonsense the world is throwing at you and start using reason. Your wife is your partner, not your competitor. Honor your commitments, work together, and build a stronger family with purpose. 

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1. https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2017/09/20/americans-see-men-as-the-financial-providers-even-as-womens-contributions-grow/ ↩︎
2. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Manosphere ↩︎
3. Dominated by or emphasizing feminine interests or a feminine point of view. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/gynocentric ↩︎
4. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Men_Going_Their_Own_Way ↩︎