LatinosUSA

I almost lost my best relationship before it began. Not that I knew it at the time.

The day I almost lost my best relationship started with my soon-to-be ex-wife screeching at me as I tossed everything I owned into a rent-all moving truck. Amy shrieked even louder when I shifted into reverse and flattened the front bumper of the Mercedes that she bought for herself, on the mistaken assumption that she would get half of my inheritance from a wealthy man who wasn’t my uncle.

I shifted into drive and sped away, almost ripping out the driver-side door of the Jaguar that belonged to the man I suspected was Amy’s lover.

I drove to a large apartment complex built on top of a landfill just outside of town. The landfill was rumored to be toxic, and residents suffered from curious illnesses, but it was cheap, and I couldn’t afford to be choosy.

I met Sonia, the apartment manager, at the leasing office and followed her to an empty third-floor apartment. At least we thought it was empty until we walked into the kitchen.

A cockroach about the size of a German Shepherd sat on the counter.

Sonia gagged and ran out of the apartment.

“Shoo! Shoo!” I raised my arms above my head to look as big and threatening as possible.

The bug backed up a little and chirped.

I froze.

Then it crawled to me and nuzzled my stomach.

I’m such a sucker for critters. I stroked its head. “I’ll call you Abernathy.” Abernathy was the name of the wealthy man who wasn’t my uncle.

Abernathy luminesced turquoise and chirped again.

“You stay here, Abernathy. I’ll be right back.” I ran to the office and found a pale Sonia. “I’ll take the apartment.”

“Really?” she squeaked. “Even with that–that–”

“Even with, if I can move in now, and you waive the security deposit and last month’s rent.”

Sonia nodded. Half an hour later, I was moved in.

=

Abernathy loved to curl up next to me on the couch and rest his head on my lap while I read a book. He didn’t care that I was short, balding, and couldn’t get rid of my gut no matter how often I thought about going to the gym.

Abernathy didn’t care that I wasn’t the neatest guy on the planet. He ate leftover crumbs, dirty dishes, Chinese food cartons, and beer cans. The more he ate, the bigger he got.

As Abernathy grew larger, he explored a wider variety of cuisine. He ate bath soap, pillows, chairs, bookshelves, and the arms of the couch. He even tried eating the stove, but a nasty burn stopped him. After he ran out of things to eat in my apartment, he chewed an Abernathy-sized hole in the door and roamed the halls, looking for food.

One day, the yappy dog next door stopped barking. A couple of days later, Sonia’s parakeet and its cage went missing. The following week, the couple living in the apartment above me stopped arguing. Nobody knew where they went.

And nobody knew why huge holes appeared in the hallway walls. Maybe it was earthquakes. At least, that’s what the owner thought.

I couldn’t believe that Abernathy had anything to do with the odd goings-on. Abernathy, who rolled on his back so that I could scratch his tummy? Abernathy, who slept on my head at night? Abernathy, who begged for my oatmeal and ate the bowl?

=

Late one night, I woke to a masked man holding a crowbar over my bed.

“Show me where your money is right now, or you won’t see tomorrow!” he hissed.

Abernathy launched himself at the robber. Before the guy could finish screaming, he was in Abernathy’s belly.

I heard a knock and stumbled to my door. Mrs. Perkins, my cross-the-hall neighbor, squinted at me through the peephole.

I opened the door.

“Frank, are you ok?” she asked. “I heard a terrible yell, and …”

“Sorry to disturb you, Mrs. Perkins. I guess the TV was too loud.”

Mrs. Perkins sniffed. “Yes, it was!”

“Sorry, Mrs. Perkins. I’ll turn it off now.”

“You do that, Frank, or I’ll report you to the manager.”

I shut the door before Abernathy decided to have Mrs. Perkins for dessert. Instead, he chirped and rubbed against my leg.

=

Amy called me, gleeful spite in her voice. “Don’t forget that we appear before the judge to sign the final divorce documents tomorrow.”

“I know. Goodbye.”

“That’s it? Goodbye?” She sounded disappointed.

“I’m busy with Abernathy right now. I’ll see you in court tomorrow.”

“Abernathy is there? The Abernathy who isn’t your rich uncle?” She was silent for a moment. “You know, Frankie, we don’t have to call it quits. We can work something out.” Her voice was pure honey.

“You mean, you can work something out with Abernathy.”

“Well, yes. I think I deserve some financial incentive to stay with you.”

I looked at my watch. “I’m going to work in about an hour. My apartment door will be unlocked if you want to talk to Abernathy.”

“Oh Frank, you’re such a doll!”

I may be slow, but I’m not stupid. I packed my bags, and patted Abernathy on the head before I walked out of the apartment for the last time.

=

My lawyer amended the divorce agreement to allow me to keep all my assets because Amy never showed up. Apparently, her talk with Abernathy didn’t go well.

I miss Abernathy sometimes. It will be hard to replace that kind of unconditional love. He must be pretty big by now.

I’m living at home with Mom and Dad now, and helping them with the family business.

By the way, I never lied to Amy. Abernathy isn’t my rich uncle. He’s my dad.