LatinosUSA

For the first time in the longest time, I feel replaceable. A feeling that I am, unfortunately, all too familiar with. I never expected it to come from you. The lifeboat has been set adrift. Do you even notice when I’m not there with you? My forever; not at all. Over and over, I try to repeat the words you have instilled in me, but I feel my heart on the precipice of shattering, teetering off the cliffs of Moher. The rational voice in my head, the one drilled into me from years of therapy, tells me that I am reacting emotionally, that this pain is not an accurate perception. After all, you’re physically there, aren’t you?

Would you notice the spiral? Or is this what pushes you away? Is it exhausting for you? Something you’ve decided you no longer feel necessary to bear witness to? I feel I could carve myself into the ideal, and your eyes would still be cast skyward – tracking constellations and planetary orbits. Would you even notice me fading into non-existence? Darling, I’m afraid I no longer believe a single promise you could make.

The trouble with devotion is that it can burn brighter than a candle. What no one tells you is: left unchecked, it burns worse. When you have been fundamentally rearranged because of a person who refuses to understand that they are your orbit, platitudes and easy affection feel cheap. Earnestness is a punishable offence. It leaves you hollowed out and sickly. Walking on cracked ice, across a frigid lake, when you know you can’t swim. A whole future shatters more easily than a mirror dropped down a spiral staircase. Each successive step further inflicts damage. The only way forward is through, they say. No one ever warns you about the shattered pieces you have to remake yourself from.