LatinosUSA

Today we’re going to jump at ten thousand feet into a beautiful, cloudless blue sky. We are told the static line to which we would normally attach the ripcord has been broken, so we’ll have to pull it manually. The plane is a little small, and we all assume the crouch position as we progress to the jump door. I am the last in the line.

After I’m airborne, I wait the standard five seconds before grasping and tugging my ripcord. Nothing happens. They say, those unnamed people, that when something bad happens, one is pulled up short. I could handle some proof of the pudding now. I pull the ripcord again with considerably more gusto. My parachute does not break free. Not to worry. I pull the reserve ripcord and, again, nothing happens. Concern grows – not panic, because an instructor long ago told us never to panic. It would be easy to ignore him. I pull both cords again, but I’m still free-falling.

Who packed the effing parachute? I’ll find him or her and give them a job assessment.

I have passed most of the open-mouthed jumpers before I decide to try and grasp one in a loving embrace. Jack, being the first jumper, is my last hope. He reaches for me, and I stretch out, but am only able to slap his right foot.

Don’t panic. I thought the advice not to panic was easier said than done. I laughed at the time, but there’s nothing funny about it now. I pull the cords again, but already doubt it would make any difference. Would they have opened if I’d had a more positive mindset? I had a girlfriend once who said everything happens in threes. Thanks, Rosemary, that was useful information.

As per the instructor’s advice, I level my body and spread my arms and legs, making an X, hoping to create drag and lessen my rate of descent. The wind I create roars in my ears, and I would like it to stop and allow me the silence in which I could concentrate more. The ground is growing. Mustn’t land on water, but a hillside or marshy area will do. The instructor said that in this situation, a jumper will break his legs and hips on landing. There will be other injuries, depending on control of the landing and luck. What will that do to my sex life? Get a grip! Well, at least I’m not panicking.

There are some hills on the right, so I point my arms at them and, yes, I’m changing course. How far am I from the ground?

Close now. I bring my knees to my chest and lift my head to get vertical again. Once that’s achieved, I tuck my chin on my chest, pin my arms to my sides, straighten my legs and lift my heels. I’ll try to collapse on impact and roll to the side, but this is going to hurt a lot.

Oh shit. “GERONI …”